Sex and intimacy, stress and violence
Sex and intimacy are closely related to stress and violence. In our lives and relationships we act to find love, connection, happiness and satisfaction of our basic human needs. When we are unsatisfied or when our well-being seems threatened then we go into stress responses including fight and flight. Satisfaction and deeper fulfilment often require close sharing and collaboration with others. However as men we often seem to find intimate sharing quite difficult leaving us unsatisfied and stressed. Much of the general cultural definition of masculinity is about competition, fighting for what we want, defending our beliefs and terrain. It is not surprising that we fall into types of violence, often 'not knowing quite what came over us'.
Sex, creativity, full engagement with others and with life
Violence and competition are often frustrated expressions of our creative spirit. Our creative, sexual, energy drives us to engage with others to try to do good and useful work in the world, building communities, relating, making babies and families, maintaining our ecology, art, music, dance, playing and having fun growing together. Our natural impulses are about engaging fully with life in every sense. We truly need to have a sense of meaning and value in ourselves and what we contribute. We need to find accessible ways to feel and express ourselves as a successful male, each in our own special ways. Where we are frustrated in these healthy expressions of our vital energy it is not surprising that we get angry, depressed and sometimes violent.
As we become aware of and feel our pain and conflict then we might begin to look seriously at these aspects of our lives including sex, intimacy, stress and violence. It is a delicate process that touches our deepest fears. For example: Am I being true to myself or repressing things in order to fit in? Am I engaging with life and expressing my authentic creativity? Most of our culture implicitly supports the old competitive masculinity, even if it is hurting us, we don’t know anything else. When we try to make any small explorations and changes, these are often met with fear and resistance.
Men in Movement offers a gentle respectful listening process, supporting participants towards healthier and creative masculinities.
Satisfying our needs - emotions, stress and violence
When we experience stress, the fight or flight response is triggered and releases hormones such as cortisol and oxytocin. This happens with the normal stress of trying to meet our basic needs in daily life. The emotions, and their associated hormones, are about moving us and others (e-motion) to meet these basic needs. If we make a statement: I love you, I’m angry, I’m sad, … without expressing the relative emotion in our body, then these words will not be understood. The emotions, fully expressed in our bodies, in movement, speak louder than words and contribute to communication, intimacy and satisfaction of our needs. Fluid and coherent emotional expression has a range of essential functions:
Cortisol desensitises us to protect from any pain whilst oxytocin activates our looking for help and support. As with many other neurological and hormonal responses, this is a fine and complex balance of rapidly, and unconsciously, evaluating a wide range of possibilities.
Since men do not show a full range of emotions this has a range of detrimental effects on our health and relationships. We do not release and discharge the emotions and related hormones (cortisol and adrenalin) so they build up in our bodies, preparing us for ‘fight or flight’. Men also produce high levels of testosterone when we are under stress, which makes us more likely to deal with stress with aggression (fight) or withdrawal (flight). In the aggression there is a release of the stress but the testosterone reduces the social and calming effects of oxytocin. Aggression and withdrawal take a physiological and psychological toll, often maintaining the stress:
Sex, discharge and intimacy
In trying to manage our stress many men are addicted to sex. This is really an addiction to ejaculation as one of the few available ways to discharge some tension. This is not satisfying sex and is usually followed by a painful anti-climax and emotional withdrawal. This is not a kind of sex with intimacy. It is often carried out with the eyes closed, in fantasy, or looking at pornography. In many ways this is using women as a receptacle where we can deposit our stress. We find this in many sexual relationships where men want more sex and their partners want more intimacy … just adding to the stress in the relationship.
As we explore the roots of our personal stress, then we can learn to channel and discharge the tension, our emotions and hormones in healthy, creative and appropriate ways, so that our relationships become much clearer and more fulfilling:
Supportive women’s and men’s groups create safe spaces for understanding, expressing and managing stress. The very focus of these groups is 'tend and befriend'. Through deep respectful listening, collaborative exploration, emotional expression, understanding, … we grow together, supporting each participant in their personal journey. We respect the frustration, stress and hurt, .... and help each participant to find more creative and satisfying responses in their lives.
Sex, creativity, full engagement with others and with life
Violence and competition are often frustrated expressions of our creative spirit. Our creative, sexual, energy drives us to engage with others to try to do good and useful work in the world, building communities, relating, making babies and families, maintaining our ecology, art, music, dance, playing and having fun growing together. Our natural impulses are about engaging fully with life in every sense. We truly need to have a sense of meaning and value in ourselves and what we contribute. We need to find accessible ways to feel and express ourselves as a successful male, each in our own special ways. Where we are frustrated in these healthy expressions of our vital energy it is not surprising that we get angry, depressed and sometimes violent.
As we become aware of and feel our pain and conflict then we might begin to look seriously at these aspects of our lives including sex, intimacy, stress and violence. It is a delicate process that touches our deepest fears. For example: Am I being true to myself or repressing things in order to fit in? Am I engaging with life and expressing my authentic creativity? Most of our culture implicitly supports the old competitive masculinity, even if it is hurting us, we don’t know anything else. When we try to make any small explorations and changes, these are often met with fear and resistance.
Men in Movement offers a gentle respectful listening process, supporting participants towards healthier and creative masculinities.
Satisfying our needs - emotions, stress and violence
When we experience stress, the fight or flight response is triggered and releases hormones such as cortisol and oxytocin. This happens with the normal stress of trying to meet our basic needs in daily life. The emotions, and their associated hormones, are about moving us and others (e-motion) to meet these basic needs. If we make a statement: I love you, I’m angry, I’m sad, … without expressing the relative emotion in our body, then these words will not be understood. The emotions, fully expressed in our bodies, in movement, speak louder than words and contribute to communication, intimacy and satisfaction of our needs. Fluid and coherent emotional expression has a range of essential functions:
- they release the hormones necessary for us to act for our well-being
- they release the stress and tensions due to longings and frustrations
- they help others to understand what we are really feeling and needing
- they move others to accompany us with empathy
Cortisol desensitises us to protect from any pain whilst oxytocin activates our looking for help and support. As with many other neurological and hormonal responses, this is a fine and complex balance of rapidly, and unconsciously, evaluating a wide range of possibilities.
Since men do not show a full range of emotions this has a range of detrimental effects on our health and relationships. We do not release and discharge the emotions and related hormones (cortisol and adrenalin) so they build up in our bodies, preparing us for ‘fight or flight’. Men also produce high levels of testosterone when we are under stress, which makes us more likely to deal with stress with aggression (fight) or withdrawal (flight). In the aggression there is a release of the stress but the testosterone reduces the social and calming effects of oxytocin. Aggression and withdrawal take a physiological and psychological toll, often maintaining the stress:
- we feel tense, agitated but unfeeling, guilt, disconnected, desensitised, …
- we might look for a quick discharge of the tension: ejaculation, sport, fighting, ...
- they affect our digestion, heart and sleep
- they make us withdraw, silent and unable to think clearly, stuck in neurotic thoughts, ...
- We obsess about a problem or get lost in addictions
Sex, discharge and intimacy
In trying to manage our stress many men are addicted to sex. This is really an addiction to ejaculation as one of the few available ways to discharge some tension. This is not satisfying sex and is usually followed by a painful anti-climax and emotional withdrawal. This is not a kind of sex with intimacy. It is often carried out with the eyes closed, in fantasy, or looking at pornography. In many ways this is using women as a receptacle where we can deposit our stress. We find this in many sexual relationships where men want more sex and their partners want more intimacy … just adding to the stress in the relationship.
As we explore the roots of our personal stress, then we can learn to channel and discharge the tension, our emotions and hormones in healthy, creative and appropriate ways, so that our relationships become much clearer and more fulfilling:
- We can discharge our anger through physical activity: martial arts, running, physical work, … these are more effective when we are conscious that we have anger to discharge. We have a range of exercises to help with this.
- We can learn to masturbate in intimacy and love with ourselves (instead of the guilty quickie), taking responsibility for our own satisfaction and discharging of tensions.
- We can find the holding friends where we can share our vulnerability, our pains, our fears and sadness. We need to cry, shout and tremble in a safe embrace. This needs to be respectful of each person with their personal process and rhythm. No pressure and no judgement.
- When our desperate personal tension is discharged appropriately, then our relationships and sex are much more pleasurable and deeply satisfying. In this case men can find an enduring whole body orgasm similar to many women.
Supportive women’s and men’s groups create safe spaces for understanding, expressing and managing stress. The very focus of these groups is 'tend and befriend'. Through deep respectful listening, collaborative exploration, emotional expression, understanding, … we grow together, supporting each participant in their personal journey. We respect the frustration, stress and hurt, .... and help each participant to find more creative and satisfying responses in their lives.