Boys to Men
Boys need clear, realistic, achievable steps and rites of passage to healthy models of manhood. Some boys find a group or activity that offers a few aspects of this. Some others might have a strong healthy male presence within their family. This support will give some reasonable guidance so that these boys can find their way more or less.
In the current world children are bombarded from very early ages with the cultural, capitalist and patriarchal models of successful manhood. They are in an educational system that values maths exams above learning how to manage the emotions, relationships and the natural environment. Most children at age 12 have seen some kind of pornography, they have experienced the 'alpha male' dynamics in school playground, they experience the economic system that undervalues caring and overvalues violence, they have grown in the cultural norm that places celebrity and capital gain as the pinnacles of achievement. They have continual stimulation from these unachievable perverted models of values and behaviour via television and their smart phones.
In the current world children are bombarded from very early ages with the cultural, capitalist and patriarchal models of successful manhood. They are in an educational system that values maths exams above learning how to manage the emotions, relationships and the natural environment. Most children at age 12 have seen some kind of pornography, they have experienced the 'alpha male' dynamics in school playground, they experience the economic system that undervalues caring and overvalues violence, they have grown in the cultural norm that places celebrity and capital gain as the pinnacles of achievement. They have continual stimulation from these unachievable perverted models of values and behaviour via television and their smart phones.
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Within this learning environment many of our boys are lost, afraid and vulnerable to being a danger to themselves and others. Aged 13, 50 years ago, I was intelligent, creative, lacking social skills, desperately seeking recognition and love. I found myself joining the Alpha gang and bullying the other weak boys in the hope that this might bring me some status in the gang. A few years later at 19, having discovered pornography and James Bond ..... still lacking the social skills, I had no girlfriend and wanted love and sex. Within this patriarchal context, where violence and rape are 'normalised' I began to believe and fantasise that in order to find love I had to show sexual force to be a man, including rape. Luckily I never got that far but this is how confused I was, becoming a danger to others from my own vulnerability. Other intelligent, sensitive and creative boys get easily drawn into drugs, terrorism and criminality, not out of any badness, but simply because they are confused and trapped without adequate or coherent role models, support and guidance.
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It is pointless going into schools preaching about equality and human rights from a self-righteous place whilst we are escaping from our own anger, desires, fears and inadequacies. Many men in the educative and social services for young people have not addressed deeply or integrated their own aggression, sex, fears, power and vulnerability. From their own inadequacy they accept and promote the lies of the system, castrating their own creativity and impulses for transformation. They might be excellent teachers of English or physics but children are learning much more from the social and emotional dynamics in the classroom. Youngsters can see the lies and have a low tolerance to hypocrisy and bullshit. It is no surprise that they rebel in school and look towards their celebrity or gaming heroes, or even to the school bully, for role models - these seem happier, more authentic and more fulfilled. Of course these teachers are not to blame. We, I count myself as having been in this camp, have swallowed these castrating role models over many generations. We are told that to progress in the educative and social systems we have to shut up, behave and promote the patriarchal capitalist system. Teachers are also in confusing traps without adequate support, guidance or coherence from the education system.
Men engaged in our own transformation, walking our talk, must act for social change. How we might apply the work from men's groups and therapy in a wider educational and social context? If we have done the deep personal work exploring our own personal violences, fears and neuroses, sexuality, styles of relating, then maybe we can reach and teach boys from a more authentic human place, showing our own frailties as well as our strengths. We connect with others by sharing our stories from a humble and honest place.
As we continue our personal exploration and begin to think about social change we might begin to ask ourselves: Are we happy with the values and models of masculinity that pervade society and the media? What do we want our young men to become?
This kind of social change needs groups of men working together and supporting each other in new sustainable masculinities - a movement of Men in Movement.
Men engaged in our own transformation, walking our talk, must act for social change. How we might apply the work from men's groups and therapy in a wider educational and social context? If we have done the deep personal work exploring our own personal violences, fears and neuroses, sexuality, styles of relating, then maybe we can reach and teach boys from a more authentic human place, showing our own frailties as well as our strengths. We connect with others by sharing our stories from a humble and honest place.
As we continue our personal exploration and begin to think about social change we might begin to ask ourselves: Are we happy with the values and models of masculinity that pervade society and the media? What do we want our young men to become?
- Am I the man I would like young men to become? Am I the kind of man I would want my daughter to marry?
- Do we want them to accept our statements that studying and progressing at school will get you a better job and so you will be happy? Do we really believe this for ourselves?
- Where are the models of integrity? Where in my life do I live openly and honestly, first with myself and then with others? How honest am I with my partner and with my children?
- Do we want them to be unquestioning citizens, believing that voting for a political party is choice and democracy? Do we really believe this?
- Are we happy with this? Is this what we want to pass on? Our behaviour teaches much more than our declarations, whether we are parents, priests, teachers or politicians.
- ‘I gave them everything and now they don't pay me any attention!’ Are we really surprised?
- What are the values and behaviours we would like to see in our society and relationships?
- What do we personally need to begin to live and apply these values? What do we need at the small personal level? It is of little value to us or anyone else (our boys) to propose that the politicians etc. must make changes. This kind of change must begin at the personal level.
- Only when we are authentically living some of our values, and assuming both our power and vulnerability, can we go to our neighbour (school, politicians, ...) and ask them to change. When we are living it we will have the authority to help others make the same changes. And our boys will believe us.
This kind of social change needs groups of men working together and supporting each other in new sustainable masculinities - a movement of Men in Movement.
In our introductory lectures and workshops we work directly with all the issues explored in this website. Attraction, relationships, desire, fear of failure, the 'alpha male' dynamics, sex and violence are undercurrents ever present in the daily life of adolescents and we explore them honestly and directly.
Deeper levels of follow up workshops for young men and for teenage boys:
- Working with our fear and anger - anger management - discharging our stress safely and creatively
- Personalised rites of passage - validating steps to becoming a man that we can actually believe in.
- Communication and relationships - managing intimacy, sex and love
Wider social applications
We would like to work directly with education systems to develop teaching methods which support linguistic, empathic and social skills in boys, respecting their distinct needs and ways of learning.
We would like to work with Scout groups, Cadet Groups, Duke of Edinburgh Award, Sports organisations and others that boys look to for their support and rites of passage into manhood.
These realities also need to be incorporated into consideration in the criminal justice systems , working to develop and rehabilitate rather than punish boys and men who have grown in environments that do not adequately equip them for modern social life.